This wasn’t my plan

This wasn’t my plan.

That thought has crossed my mind more than once or twice this past week. Month. Year. Amidst the overwhelming joy and peace and contentment I feel–of course there’s the chaos that comes.

Yesterday I was involved in an email thread discussing my step-daughter’s swim lessons (a normal subject, right? Wrong. Not when you’re a step parent.) The ice pick lines from a party that shall remain nameless stung at my heart. There was a preference voiced that Mia is accompanied by a “Parent or Guardian” at each lesson….and an opinion was stated that Kayla didn’t fall into that category.

Ouch.

Although that wasn’t the truth by a long shot and a lot of statements are simply emotionally charged as we all learn the ways of blending a family and grapple with leftover emotions that are sure to come after divorces–it still affects me deeply. It still echoes the many, MANY pains that come with this situation for every side involved.

You help raise a child that is not your own, you become a full-time parent to a child you DECIDED to give your life to, yet you are more often than not refused the title or respect or sometimes even the time of day or second thought by those around you. You are nanny status at times. Sometimes even below that.

This wasn’t the plan I had in mind.

It wasn’t supposed to be First comes baby, then comes love, then comes marriage..then comes proving yourself to everyone and their dog.

me and mia swimming

I didn’t plan on getting caught in the middle of child rearing debates or hurt feelings from so many different sides. I didn’t plan on sometimes feeling like the outcast with no voice in matters while simultaneously propping a child on my hip, wiping snot from my blouse, filling up a sippy cup with apple juice and singing “Itsy Bitsy spider” all at the same time–showcasing the pure irony of it all.

I didn’t plan on attending much-needed therapy or group sessions discussing the trials of step-parenting, co-parenting, and making things work smoothly. I didn’t plan on the resentment I would sometimes feel, the callousness, the anger. I didn’t plan on leaving a church that I had dedicated over a decade to or uprooting my entire life on a wing and a prayer. I didn’t plan on the repercussions that come with exploring a whole new frontier.

Most of the damn time I’m totally improvising. I know, I’m preaching to the choir here.

But heck, if I talked to little Kayla about this past year several years ago and the adjustments that would take place she would probably need resuscitation.

And yet…I have to marvel at the point of Plan B. Or C. Or Z for that matter.

Don’t we all?

We all set expectations for our day or weeks or our lives, and even on a subconscious level we set the boxes, we check them off, and we expect. And those expectations, when not met, can either be the root of hopelessness or the first bud of a totally new perspective and life. Plan B’s refine our hearts to make us more loving. Plan B’s make us brave. Plan B’s teach us things we never would have learned otherwise and they hand over surprises, a little bit of chaos, and just the right amount of patience needed to give us a joy that we didn’t even plan for before. Plan B’s will test us when we least expect it and teach us to be more selfless and kind and hopeful. Plan B’s will humble us.

Because I’m only human, I have had to be reminded several times about the beauty of Plan B or C or D. I’ve had to be reminded of how lucky I am to have escaped so many awful Plan A’s. And I’m grateful for the reminders that shake me up and remind me that I would want nothing else. Not for one hot second.

I read a blurb from one of the Step-Parenting groups I’m part of that hit me hard and I enjoyed her perspective. One of the things she said is, “Weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life you have.”

proposal

Chances are, you are living in your own Plan B. You may have a totally different career path right now then the one you went to school for. You might be divorced or on your second or third marriage. You might be like so many of my friends and family who are battling unexpected illnesses, raising children who aren’t so easy to handle, or picking yourself up over a grievous loss.

Your Plan B might include step children. Or no children. Or lots of loneliness that keeps you up at night. Your plan B or C might look like a brick wall that shut out everything you hoped for and right now you’re in the process of re-routing everything.

Chances are, whoever you are–you were not given your Plan A.

And there’s a purpose–so don’t you fret.

Even Christ himself suffered sorrow so deep to the point of death. We are not above it. Life is messy and irritating and hard and sometimes we get the wind knocked right out of us and spend some time on the ground before we rise.

It wasn’t my plan to be back here in Washington here at a desk at this wonderful job overlooking a milky robin’s egg blue skyline below Mount Rainier, sitting adjacent to a cubicle wall that boasts the smiling faces of my unconventional, beautiful, miracle of a family. It wasn’t my original plan to wake up this morning beside a man I’ve desperately loved for years, in a house I didn’t originally purchase in a town I had only visited as a child and never thought I’d be back in. It wasn’t my plan to parent a child that is not my own biologically and become a mother without the nine month waiting period. It wasn’t my plan to sometimes have moments of having NO plan.

But it was His. And it’s kind of perfect.

I really don’t think we’re here to understand it all–we’re just here on this earth to live it. And to embrace it. And to remind each other every now and then that the most merciful thing God has ever done for any of us in this life is to laugh at our plans–

And hand over something better.

mia kissy

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “This wasn’t my plan

  1. So well written. This should be the intro to the book you soooo need to write!!!!if you haven’t started it already. How many people could relate?
    There is a cute new commercial out about ( l can’t remember the product that it’s advertising, but the content is so good!!) How we are constantly re-routing.
    It’s the voice of a navigation system re-routing & re-routing through life’s changes in plans through our own choices and just life. Your reference to Plan B made me think of it. Remembering constantly that God’s got this is all we can do. Loved this!!!!

    Like

  2. I feel your emotion. I did it all backwards, too. Mother to three potty trained boys before marrying their dad and becoming instant family and then get married in the temple nine months after our daughter is born. The four have two more sisters – who don’t want anything to do with us. It was so hard not to “love” them the way I thought they should be loved (and still) but their mom would take everything out of content and take it to the court room and make it something evil. They’re not in our lives anymore. I feel a sense of sadness yet feel relief at the same time . . . which also makes me sad.

    Like

  3. I’m sure you know this, but sometimes hearing it from someone else (even a complete stranger) can be comforting…

    Just know, that at the end of the day, Mia isn’t going to look back at these years and remember how everyone fought. She’s going to look back fondly and remember the memories you two made together, and the times you were there for her.

    When she graduates preschool, kindergarten, 5th grade, 8th grade, and high school, she’s going to know that she has the full support of her parents. At the end of the day, no matter what the other side things, hopes, or wishes for, you ARE her parent. Just because a paper hasn’t been signed yet…does not mean you are any less deserving of respect. You care for and love her, she looks up to you, and enjoys her time with you. She’s happy healthy and well loved. That’s what should matter. Not who loves her, just that she’s loved.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s